The Hats of LessOnline
cutting edge hatology
It is currently the evening after day two of LessOnline 2026. I wish to document one popular topic of discussion among LessOnline attendees: golden hats. My girlfriend Celene has collected four golden hats and maintained possession of them until the end of the day, and she has graciously permitted me to study them and share my findings with all of you.
Though the four hats appear very similar, they can all be distinguished from each other. We will describe each of the hats in Celene’s current possession in detail.
Specimens 1A and 1B
I have chosen to group these two hats together, as they are the two most similar hats.
Specimen 1A and Specimen 1B are externally almost indistinguishable from each other. They both have a shiny rim and an “Eliezer’s Hat” label. The clearest distinguishing factor is that Specimen 1A has a positively-sloped (down-left to up-right) label, while Specimen 1B has a negatively-sloped label.
On the inside—specifically on the side opposite the “Eliezer’s Hat” label—these hats contain a tag identifying them as members of Batch No. U8510 of the adult sized golden top hats produced by Dress Up America. They were presumably ordered from this Amazon listing.
These hats can be easily distinguished by observing their interior. Specimen 1A has a “Decoy” label with the text moving away from the Dress Up America tag, while Specimen 1B has the “Decoy” text moving towards the Dress Up America tag.
Specimen 2
Like Specimens 1A and 1B, Specimen 2 contains an “Eliezer’s Hat” label on the outside and a “Decoy” label on the inside.
Specimen 2 can be distinguished from the other hats because it is the only hat with a matte yellow brim, compared to the shiny golden rim of the other hats (which can actually sometimes appear more silver on a close inspection). It also has the most lopsided “Eliezer’s Hat” label of the bunch.
The “Decoy” label on Specimen 2’s interior is not placed on the roof of the hat, but is instead on the same side as the “Eliezer’s Hat” label.
Specimen 2 contains no tag. The closest match I was able to find on Amazon is from Barelove, but this is a somewhat tentative guess. Another possibility is Velorique—the brim in the image on the Velorique Amazon listing isn’t quite as close a match, but the brim in the images of the silver hat in customer reviews seems to be a slightly closer match. More detailed hat research would have to be performed to identify the exact brand of this hat.
Hat A
This hat was named in Lux’s Decoy Golden Hats Explained session as one of the “real hats”—supposedly the hat that Eliezer wore at the beginning of LessOnline 2026. It has no labels nor tags. Otherwise, it appears nearly identical to the Dress Up America hats.
On a very close inspection, it appears that the stitching on the hat brim is ever so slightly closer to the inside edge of the rim on Hat A than on Specimen 1A or 1B.
Possibly this is a Dress Up America hat from a batch other than No. U8510 with the tag removed.
Other Hats
My initial understanding—after interrogating bubbling_creek, who claimed to have provided the decoy hats, on Saturday morning—was that there were four decoy hats. Celene currently has possession of three hats labelled “decoy”, suggesting the possibility of a missing fourth. As Celene and I were leaving Lighthaven for the evening, we spoke with several people who professed belief in this fourth decoy hat.
I am personally unsure it exists. At the Decoy Golden Hats Explained session, bubbling_creek did not seem particularly confident that the “four decoys” claim I (thought I had) heard from them was accurate. If anyone has reason to believe in a fourth decoy hat which they think to be independent of the testimony I received from bubbling_creek Saturday morning, please let me know.
I have also heard rumors of a second, even more prestigious, real hat—Hat B. Allegedly, Hat B is currently in the possession of an accomplice of bubbling_creek, and will enter play on Sunday. If I understand correctly, this hat was said to have been stolen from Eliezer during a previous LessOnline or other conference, or perhaps even to be the hat stolen by Ozy during the first LessOnline. I have not myself witnessed strong evidence regarding the source or even the existence of Hat B, though presumably the golden hats from previous conferences must have ended up somewhere.
In addition to the golden hats, there is a pirate hat which I last saw in the possession of LessOnline attendee Jisk on Saturday evening. Jisk stated that the pirate hat was also fair game for stealing.
I hope that this description has been a helpful resource for identifying any golden hats you may have come into possession of. Celene has stated to me that she intends to place the hats back into distribution in the morning, by wearing one hat at a time and replacing it with a new hat whenever it is stolen. She also, however, has said that she intends to try to steal them back.
There also may or may not be a fourth decoy hat, and Sunday might even feature the rumored Hat B. These questions (and more) will hopefully be answered by the conclusion of LessOnline 2026.
You lot need to up your label printer game
Did you make it to the hat problems event on Sunday?